Week 24 – Human/Nature – MKMMA

This new spring/year brings great things, I feel it, I know it, I have witnessed it.

My head was the space I used to spend the most time in, even after years of practicing yoga and meditation, grounding my body and leaving my (worrying head) required a certain level of effort. These past few months I have started descending into my body more and more.

Enthusiasm and feeling

Being and identifying as a cerebral person has the advantage of intellectually integrating knowledge with a certain ease, that’s good for my grades, right? Only, I didn’t understand said knowledge with the rest of my being.

While reading this weeks lesson two words came back to mind from my university days: immanent and transcendent. I used to be able to reproduce these words in the right context with the right meaning, but I believe only now do I comprehend what they mean.

Correct me if I’m wrong (seriously, please do!), what I understand from 24:28 is that God/Universe/Creative Principle is immanent. Whereas it is often believed as being something external to us.

During my reading this morning I felt my stomach summersault, in a good way! I felt my stomach understood this. This has been one of the most challenging points for me since day 1. Not that I don’t (intellectually) understand this or even cerebrally believe it.

But the feeling was missing, the real feeling.

Today I believe I have come one step closer to that third box: feeling, not fake feeling, not fearing, but real feeling.

Into the wild

Starting this spring I felt nature closer to me. From my window I hear birds singing in the morning, even though I live in central Barcelona, close to two very busy roads.

Taking strolls to the beach or spending time with my bare feet on the grass has filled my with energy. Doing this with lovely people who have also decided to change the way they view the world is even more invigorating.

As I live in a city actually going into nature requires a bit of planning, which is ok (we OATS anyway), but even the wind on my face, the sun warming my skin and the smell of the sea is a real blessing I enjoy daily. I make a point of it.

The beginning of this journey coincided with many big changes in my life. I moved to another country without speaking the language or knowing where I’d be staying or how I would set about building a new life.

Ever since, I have met some great people in the most improbable circumstances. I have spoken with these new friends of the MKE and what it meant to me and have only had positive and encouraging responses.

I am grateful for these new people (and some old friends as well) who are encouraging me to stay close to nature to heal and are happy to see me become.
Namaste,

Najet

Week 23 – Daydream – MKMMA

Growing up in a hostile environment I developed two main coping strategies. The first one was being smart and making sure every one knew it. The second was retiring into daydreams.

In a pickle

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It took me a few webinars before plucking up the courage to ask a question. The first few webbies I would arrogantly roll my eyes when one of my fellow travellers asked a question I felt they should KNOW the answer to (I am so sorry!!!).

For me asking a question meant failing at being smart, knowing things. But courtesy of the BPB and of Haanel I was in a pickle. They both encourage us to envision ourselves in the future. I thought that would be an easy one! Daydreaming was something I could have had a master’s degree in. I thought I’ve got this.

14. Do not confuse Imagination with Fancy, or that form of daydreaming in which some people like to indulge. Daydreaming is a form of mental dissipation which may lead to mental disaster.

But intuitively I felt this was not what the BPB, team MKE or Haanel meant. And indeed, when I asked during a webbie if they were the same, I got my answer, they are not!

Assess yourself!

Now, months later, the dreaming is my marker of slippery slope (is this even English?). I mean, when I notice that dreamy thoughts enter my consciousness during my sit or even when I am busy working on my dharma, I know I have to get a grip on myself. I have to be the watchman at the gate.

When I reassessed myself, I was elated to conclude how much of the road I had already covered. I know that I am not there yet. Sometimes my inner hero gets overwhelmed, mostly with positive developments, occasionally with setbacks. That’s ok, for now.

As the daydreaming is something I want to eradicate -like… now!!!- I decided to to go back to my second week of Franklin Makeover and start again focusing on self-control. Whenever I feel myself slipping into daydreaming, which is time consuming and drains my energy, I take 10 minutes to visualise myself as my future me.

Whenever this occurs I think of that lesson when we were asked to think of our future selves as a friend. Do I want to burden her? Never! She is a busy person, working hard to maintain what she’s/I’ve achieved.

Blue pill or red pill?

Hill’s story about the two envelopes reminded me of that iconic scene in the Matrix.

Where Neo has to choose between a red pill which represents the choice between the sometimes painful truth (What am I pretending not to know?) and the blissful ignorance/illusion of the blue pill with which I can keep on pretending (Life’s not fair, some have it all, I’m just unlucky).

I decided months ago to take the red pill even though life with the blue pill can seem easier. I had rather break a sweat and achieve my dharma, than have the comfort blanket of my self deluding and self pitying me. I am not that person anymore.

A special shout out to my fellow travellers who ask questions after the webinar and don’t fear the possible ridicule of not knowing an answer. I love you for showing me the way!

Namaste

Week 21/22-Tools of a grateful receiver -MKMMA

When I started this program I found out for the first time that I wasn’t the only person that could sometimes be daunted by the idea of getting out of bed and starting the day. Reading that in Og’s first scroll was a relief and an eye-opener.

Unlike some of my fellow travellers it me a long time to finally find serenity and when I did, I assumed serenity was here to stay. When that feeling of unrest and fear crept back into the pit of my stomach I was shocked. And instead of doing something with it, I got completely overwhelmed and even paralysed.

When my city speaks to me

I was back in my new home in Barcelona and had great plans to get back on the wagon and dig in even deeper than I had before. But even the smallest things felt like a mountain to climb. The past weeks I have done a great deal of sleeping and feeling tired.

During my daily bike ride through the city I chanced upon a busstop ad for keeping youngsters off drugs. It read ‘Commit to yourself, if you say you’re going to do something, (than) do it’

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And I was so happy to read this. It was a reminder that I needed to dig in and regain the pride I had felt for weeks.

Small blessing

Once again I had the feeling of being the battlefield of my old blueprint and my new one, for a moment it looked as though old subby was winning. That was when I received a reminder (sorry Mark) for my survey and PIF.

When I wanted to pay, my creditcard bounced.

I felt panic at the thought of not continuing with the program, never mind being cut out of it. I sent an email but received no answer and I swear my old blueprint spoke to me. It said, this is probably a sign that you should be quitting.

I did something I should have done much sooner (I know!) I asked in the alliance area for insights or advice about other payment modes. When one beautiful soul, a fellow traveller reach out for help.

She described her helping me with my PIF as a small blessing.

I must admit I struggled with this thought at first. Now I can only say, I am grateful and proud to be in the same (virtual) room as her. I am even more determined to give this journey my all and to go above and beyond in helping others.

If you are reading this, know that you are a great blessing to me. I will make you and myself proud!

This week my virtue will be humility, I already feel humbled today.
Feeling #Blessed, loved and grateful

Week 18/20 – Black hole sun – MKMMA

I am not looking for excuses, let me get that straight immediately.

Juggling between caring for a loved one, reconnecting with an estranged family and uncovering my own health issues has been an immense challenge. And I let some of my new habits slip. This weekly journaling is one of the things that I haven’t done properly.

The strange thing is that I actually missed doing this, writing about this journey that has been a rollercoaster. I know I was warned at the beginning, but I never expected all of this happening in such a short period of time.

Taking charge of my life and my health, which I hadn’t really done for the longest time, has had me lost for words, again. When things started happening and parts of my DMP started manifesting, I was dumbfounded. Even though this was exactly what I had been working towards for a few months.

Being back in my home town and spending time with my family after nearly a decade drained my from all my energy, not necessarily in a bad way. But nevertheless, here I was burning the candle at both ends and still charging on. At the end of each day, I would find myself exhausted and even at the beginning of each day Og’s words still were there, but the vigour and anergy had disappeared.

For my family things were looking better. They were getting along fine and helping each other out and just generally being there for each other. My sister’s recovery has been called spectacular -doctors seem to dislike the word miraculous. My mother, who had not been a very nurturing person in our childhood, was fully embracing her role as a caring mother.

But it still  felt as if I was in a vortex pulling me down. That is when I decided to head back to Barcelona, my new home and get back on track with my life and with the MK-program.

I am grateful for being able to take care of my health, I am grateful for being able to live in the city of my choice, I am grateful for people supporting me through rough times.

I truly feel #blessed

Love for all,

Najet

Week 17a – The q̶u̶i̶c̶k̶ and the dead

Usually, I am all fired up after the webbies. Even when I am tired before they go live -which is at 10 pm where I live- I need a few hours  after the Live Q&A to come down from the high and go to bed.

This Sunday I felt so serene, by the end of the webcast the feeling in the pit of my stomach had vanished.

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Death in Venice/Barcelona/Antwerp

I remember years ago when my nephew Yassine was only five, he came into my bedroom one morning and asked me why God wanted us to die. When I asked him what/who gave him the idea that God wanted people dead, it turned out that my mother had found her go-to answer (everything is God’s will, so is death).

So I told him I thought one day people die  because we have to make room for new people, just as at some point other people died to make room for us. He loved that answer, and seemed genuinely happy to know we weren’t the first folk to live on this earth.

Reading about the hero’s journey and death being an integral part of that actually made me calm and soothed ever racing brain.

Why do I pretend? I don’t care

I have an inkling, I could keep mulling over that question. But, I am not that person anymore. I guess it took me 18 weeks to realize that the person who tortures herself with that question is no longer welcome in my life. I won’t miss her.

Even dwelling on that question seems to me a waste of my valuable time. Don’t get me wrong, if you read this and are asking you that question, it does not mean you are dead to me. I just realized I don’t need to do so anymore.

Great expectations

My life has changed dramatically the last months. Not as I expected, though. And to be honest, not as I had hoped.

I had hoped to be teaching yoga to children all over Barcelona, organizing workshops and retreats with some of my favourite yoga teachers and taking daily strolls along the beach. Instead I am back in my home town of Antwerp, reconnecting with my family after nearly a decade.

Watching my mother, sisters, brother and myself trying to work out how a family functions, is one of the most surreal experiences. And one I was not expecting at that. But it did figure quite prominently in my DMP, in all formats.

I suppose I needed to take care of my backlog and I am not talking about being behind on my reading, blogging or sits. The baggage I am dealing with is old and heavy and I don’t want to it drag around anymore.

I am in the process of decluttering and rebuilding my inner house. Once I seperate the wheat from the chaff the latter won’t get as much as a funeral or funeral pire. It will just be gone.

Belgium…one point

Now that this particular point of my DMP has manifested itself loud and faster than I could have dreamt, it’s time for me to rephrase my DMP and even rewrite my press release.

Apparently I needed to come back to Belgium and make sure the past doesn’t bite me in the backside. Now I can move forward. And I w̷i̷l̷l̷ am.

It is such a relief to be in this process not as a naughty little school girl, but as a grown up  woman learning. I can’t explain what has happened but it clearly has. Somewhere between the readings, the sits, the worrying about I have been made over.

I feel liberated and for that I am grateful.

Om shanti

Week 17 – You take/test my self-control – MKMMA

3773892656_451ff5094d_oUnlike Laura Branigan’s song, is the night time not the only one that matters and I do have the will to fight for tomorrow, and indeed today.

Focussing on Self-control has again been very testing this week. For several reasons, I seem to have chosen the one character trait that would challenge me most.

Lemonade, chocolate and grapes

Like many people, I have been told to make lemonade when life gives me lemons. Unfortunately, I have a little penchant for lemonade, lemon pie and other sweet comfort foodstuffs.

I have turned that sound and wise saying into a life philosophy: when life gets dark, eat chocolate; when life gives you sour grapes, drink wine!

Fool to cry

I have been in this program for long enough to know not to indulge in self-pity, take a step back and look at my current situation from a different angle.

Even though I have largely had the impression I was trying (and not always succeeding) to achieve self-control, It was almost constantly on my mind, and finally at the end of the week, I started noticing it not only in others, but in myself too. Whoop-whoop!

Help me, help you

When all those weeks ago we decided which were our pivotal needs, I immediately which ones came so naturally to me that the weren’t needs. Helping others, which is an intrinsic part of what I do as a kids yoga teacher, is definitely not on my list.

Today I find myself having to find a fine balance between helping out without forgetting my own needs and Dharma. This is proving rather tricky.

I find myself reaching back to the mental diet to control and maintain a healthy and positive mindset.

Grateful

I am grateful for the help of my family, they really came through for me! I am grateful for having a roof above my head and a bed to sleep in, no matter what situation I am in. I am grateful for great friends who point out that it’s time to look after myself.

This coming week I’ll be concentrating on persistence, that should be easy, right?

Om shanti ❤

 

 

Week 16 – Healthy, wealthy and wise – MKMMA

I am feeling pumped! And humbled at the same time.

I’m finally (almost) back on track and I’m getting there before Sunday. I’ve been reading the blogs of my fellow travellers and that has filled my heart joy and pride to be a part of this. I’m noticing so much kindness in the reactions to the blogposts.

I am lost… for words

I think my proverbial penny finally dropped.

I am going back to some of the exercises and re-doing them and I have made some tiny but necessary changes to my DMP. The words of my wonderful guide Charlotte magically came back to me and I heard them differently and applied them differently.

I am noticing how I’ve changed and that can sometimes be bewildering. I used to say ‘oh, I am not a morning person.’ Now I find myself awake, unafraid of doing whatever I have to do.

Sometimes my subby still tries to convince me, ‘but you’re not a morning person!’ I find myself paying less attention to that voice. And when I do, I find it easier to get back on the wagon.

States of consciousness

My world has been shaken the past few months, a loved one has been diagnosed with lung cancer and at first I found it hard to see how that could be an opportunity. But now I see.

I am grateful for my family being back together, having the chance to show our love to each other and caring for each other and just being a family. I had given up hope of ever seeing that happen.

Some aspects of this being back together can be challenging at times, this is why I’d like to shout out to Mary, I hear you, dear Mary. It can be soooo testing to know the changes you need to make in order to be healthy and accept that your family is not ready yet to take that path. We can pray for them instead, add ‘healthy’ to our affirmation, direct a few affirmations to them.

We know happiness and harmony are states of consciousness

Om shanti,

Najet