In my defence… my old blueprint
In my defence, I have good reason to be upset (family shizzle, being skint, living out of my suitcase, the list goes on). Now upset can mean a great many things and my old blueprint has an equal amount of ways of dealing with me being upset.
Anxiety triggered by family issues usually leaves me craving for alcohol, not in large amounts, but still. I can actually visualise the glass of red wine and am not soothed until I have drank a cup.
In my defence, I have recently moved to Spain and the wine is outstanding and relatively inexpensive.
When I am about to undertake an important or difficult task – say writing an article or new material for my classes – my old blueprint whispers to my body that I need a constant flux of chocolate and coffee, in worryingly large amounts.
Also, just the one episode of the Hoarder Next Door/ Football game/Mock the Week before actually starting said job is highly recommended by my old blueprint.
When I am in need of comfort, because I am sad and/or silly, the only remedy that can alleviate my sadness is binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy.
But my worst foe, the one who appears whenever the going gets tough and I really need and want to rally, is sleep. Sleep overpowers me and – no matter where I am or how big the stakes – I fall asleep.
In my defence, I have good reason to be upset. But who doesn’t?
Ceci n’est pas <looking for excuses>
Just so we’re absolutely clear: I am fully conscious that my old blue print is not another person who coerces me into straying from my job at hand or from facing my demons.
I know that the blue print is a reflection of my old habits, habits that I perpetuated.
The weird thing is that, for quite some time now, I have been conscious and perplexed by my own behaviour as if it were someone else’s. I have tried to reason with that old blueprint and ask what the dickens is wrong with it/me?
While going through the MKMMA hand out, I was astonished and ashamed when I read the time nonsense part. Really? 50 hours of work and 30 hours of spare time? I have been living my life wrong!
For as long as I can remember I have been -literally- running late, always very busy, forgetting appointments and having double bookings. Needless to say this generated a lot of anxiety, triggered cravings and resulted in a lot of unnecessary stress.
The turning point, twist in the old plot
When I read Eknath Erwin Vann’s FB post on the 8th of September, I felt an excitement in my stomach. Even though I thought it quite cryptic, I didn’t know what was so special about the time of the year… again.
Two things happened. The first thing: I immediately knew/felt/believed I wanted to be part of this. The second thing is that I wanted to flee.
Ever since I viewed the first MKMMA video I have been the battlefield of so much resistance, all of the aforementioned habits are attacking me, as soon as I start with my readings.
So I feel rather heroic for getting through my daily tasks even though it takes me a bit longer than planned to accomplish them all. I’ll be ploughing through and proud to do so.
Before my allotted 600 words are consumed, I’d like to shout out to Dana who asked a question during the QA after the first webcast. Dana, I am rooting for you!